Elvis is gone, but Barnum lives on

No, I didn't watch it last night; and, no, I don't want to hearabout it. Please.

I have a closed mind on the subject. Elvis is dead. Those bluesuede shoes are as empty as Al Capone's vault.

But there is accumulating evidence, it seems to me, that P.T.Barnum - who supposedly died just 100 years ago last month - maystill be alive.

There are reports he might have been sighted more than oncelately in the neighborhood of the executive suites at WGN-Channel 9.

You remember Barnum. Got his start by buying a slave womanalleged to be (at the time) 161 years old and to have been GeorgeWashington's nurse.

It was a hoax, of course, sort of like Geraldo Rivera's infamousgig opening the Capone vault on Channel 9 a while back.

Didn't stop Barnum, though, any more than truckloads of derisionhave stopped Geraldo, still a regular on Channel 9.

Old P.T. moved on to open a museum and shamelessly exploit thelikes of midget Tom Thumb and Chang and Eng, a pair of Siamese twins.Made a ton of money. Even made it to Buckingham Palace, where TomThumb danced and did his imitation of Napoleon for Queen Victoria.Barnum's grandest triumph, of course, was the Barnum & Bailey Circus,"The Greatest Show on Earth."

But surely his most valuable and enduring contribution toAmerican civilization was his observation (also obviously his rulingprinciple) that "there's a sucker born every minute."

Dead (or alive) right, you were (or are), P.T. And no one aroundhere seems to have a better grip on that bit of wisdom than theprogramming Barnums at Channel 9, who probably counted on having atleast several minutes' worth of those suckers tuned in last night fortwo hours' worth of "The Elvis Files."

Every time I turned on a ballgame for the last week, there wasthis guy Bill Bixby (an actor who appeared in a couple of movies withthe late - yes, the late - Elvis Presley), promoting what was beingadvertised as an examination of the evidence that Elvis might yet beextant and among us.

Bixby was saying, over and over, that he used to think Elvisdied in 1977, but that, after studying the "files" to be discussed onthe show, he now has doubts and so had agreed to host the show.

Anyway, I looked up a story from last Sunday's paper, by PeterFarrell of Newhouse News Service, and found that the show's promoterswere promising "startling new facts" along with "previously sealedFBI documents," etc., on whatever-happened-to-Elvis. "All live fromLas Vegas." Of course. Where else?

They were also allowing time for viewers to call in questionsor, of course, report any last-minute sightings of Elvis. For asmall 900-number fee, of course.

Well, I have not sighted Elvis since the funeral. But I do havesome questions. Such as: Why would the programming chiefs at Channel9 go for this kind of moronic, exploitative slush? Aren't theyembarassed?

And do they really regard their audience as the kind of peoplewho might think Elvis is actually still here? I'm disappointed. (Aseven former boxing champ Muhammad Ali shrewdly observes on camera,according to Farrell's story, Elvis never came around much after1977.)

If they think it's not Elvis in that coffin, who is it? And whydidn't the producers or Channel 9 just buy a shovel and check?What? Spoil a chance to trim the suckers - again? Are you kidding?Tell 'em, P.T.

Raymond R. Coffey is the editor of the Chicago Sun-Timeseditorial pages.